Inviting an unverified third party for a hook-up can be dangerous
In light of recent events involving fallouts from hook-ups mostly originating from virtual e-lationships I wanted to revisit a long standing practice by some long term relationship same sex couples to open their union or are already in open relationships where a third or even fourth plus parties are incorporated to enhance their sexual experiences and or for experimentation. The recent events I referred to in my opening was related to a long term virtual e-lationship without the benefit of meeting face to face that supposedly built trust due to the passage of time or so one party thought, one of thousands like this scenario I would image but on popular all male site Adam4Adam these e-lationships can last for very long periods before a face to face hook-up is arranged or enacted it can be just within hours after clicking their profile lured by a photo (often times fake) or some other factor picked up over time. The man thought he was about to meet his online friend only to be led into a web of deception and sexual assault.
Now that the outdoor cruising community and related activities has retreated somewhat due to the high crime wave, fear and the presence of the problematic homeless and gay for pay communities occupying traditional spaces using public thoroughfare the switch is noticeable for those who care to look to virtual spaces so the internet, BlackBerry messenger and the respective mobile phone service providers chat rooms with Facebook almost ahead of the pack in my view, even I get the proverbial “ ...wanna jack off?” or other sexual invitations in my inbox. This blog has some previous entries on Facebook fallouts but the main purpose of this particular entry is to provide some more tips and suggestions (not hard and fast rules though) as to how to take the needed precautions and what to look for. Experiences cruisers like myself never often pass on these tips and even at the advocacy level hardly any discourse is on the subject and it is well needed with the challenges especially with younger inexperienced “hunters”
Instincts of course is the first thing when making that decision at the initial contact, many persons do throw out invitations openly online in the fora aforementioned but it is remarkable to me that even persons who would be considered sophisticated, educated or suave seem to be making some serious errors leading to disastrous consequences over the years, the repeated non-homophobic killings is evidence enough as the men navigate the ins and outs of Jamaican MSM life including the tricky gay for pay and hyper masculine individuals not accessing that these persons sometimes come with emotional and psychological baggage on their shoulders. The highly prized machismo in our setting with the masculinisation of down low life as acceptable by the very GLBTQ media/entertainment they have already set the stage for bullshit to happen. Some may want some sort of financial or materialistic rewards for the inclusion of sorts and sexual play so may go as far as asking for extended contact with one of the parties in the union while rejecting the other (if it was a two man union) based on the initial engagement/session. The perception by some of the hyper and GFP brothers also is that “gay” men (as they often don’t seem themselves as homosexuals) have disposable incomes and material wealth in abundance hence the cash register demands complete with a list of wants in rules including the role play in the session strongly excluding any passive or receptive positioning for the most part and if so allowed may cost you more than you bargained for with added confidentiality (friends most not known he bent over) under pain of threats on ones person at times.
Verification is so important as too often persons whether single or in a relationship but looking to turn a session or a have a one night stand into a ménage a trios just play it by air and invite someone right off the bat from a male hook-up site or Facebook without even knowing the individual(s) on the other end of the virtual space. It is good to have spontaneity as well yes and gaydar may also play a role but is more powerful to me face to face, sometimes luck will run out and one cannot simply work by the “spirit” anymore in these dangerous times. Often times we see posts and status messages thrown out on Facebook of persons seeking a certain experience or type of man going down to the details of role played and expected activity, a few have gone as far as to list their geographical area, offer payment amounts or material items as the lure and phone numbers while having an open profile that can be viewed by friends of friends and family who on their main friends list but not filtered from certain account activity. Those are some of the circumstances that can lead to problems.
A recent chat with some fellas in a certain town centre revealed much as many of them have become circumspect as decoys roam either pretending to be gay to exploit what they can from their victim a long standing problem as I too fell victim to this years ago but I am far more the wiser these days or gay for pay MSM who while not self identifying as gay have strict lists of what they want both in bed and in payment. Derogating from any such arrangement can have consequences to ghastly to discuss here some of which we have seen making the news over the years outside of non homophobic killings or murders. Hyper masculine or thug gay for pay men are not the only ones with drama the opposite side of the spectrum can also be murky that of effeminate men hence some seeking such encounters often demand that would be third parties or hook-up link be not “real” “girly” or “ queen” all terms referring to an effeminate man. There are also the service seekers though masculine in demeanour do deliberately seek effeminate types but motive is often an issue. I have seen over time effeminate men abused, not paid (if it was a commercial arrangement), relieved of personal effects or cash or duped into a deal to be left raped or sexually assaulted.
The ability for perpetrators to mask their intent which may come into play after the first face to face meeting is sometimes hard to decipher or detect when one is not vigilant from the get go, the first click on that profile should turn on ones filter’s but some get so lapse and are caught up in the aura of the fantasies or urges running in one’s mind for that instant gratification, after all men work by the physical for arousal more so than women. One also should NOT let their guard down simply because the first meeting or session went well motives can remain hidden just until they are ready to pounce and carry out their plan. Trust cannot be developed out of a sexual encounter without the benefit or more social exchange and meaningful conversations. The thrill of a hook-up or the hunt though we clearly understand is the unemotional connection, sheer lust and raunchy desire driven by male’s physical aphrodisiac elements that are the drivers but in hiding ones true self to make the experience interesting deception becomes exploitive. The six pack (or more), the member’s size (endowment), and other physical attributes are the markers to make the decision to sometimes blindly go for the kill so to speak and when it is over they go their separate ways.
Just the ending of last month there was an assault case that has brought the matter front and centre for myself and some other readers on my sister blog GLBTQ Jamaica on blogger, thanks to the persons involved in the case for allowing me to explore the issue (barring making too public the gruesome details in avoiding being indelicate). I also shared some tips I had prepared in a previous entry on this blog following some Facebook fallout involving young gay men in Kingston. Contrary to popular notions, the discrimination against homosexuality comes not only from heterosexuals but also from sexual minorities themselves. It is virtually impossible for someone raised in a culture as intensely intolerant to homosexuals as Jamaica’s culture is and not have that same intolerance deeply ingrained. Thus, regardless of one’s sexual orientation, most Jamaicans carry the burden of prejudice against homosexuality in varying forms.
Thus the challenges I tried to expound on above, navigating MSM life is not easy here but for those of us who are still around (Thank God) and have the experience we must not only sit on that experience and be cocky about it but also share it with our younger counterparts, after all isn’t it the overall improvement of the quality of life what we seek here?
here are some recent suggestions I added on Facebook, some were from a previous entry on FB fallouts, adjust them as you may see fit:
FIRSTLY work with your INSTINCTS or gaydar if it doesn't feel right or if you are not sure of the individual, DO NOT GO THERE (even if their "member" is big or body looks good) I know the thrill of the hunt can be tempting but if you do decide to push ahead then .........
1) Get to know the party(ies) on the other line as BEST as possible i.e. more relevant info, real name, sexual preference etc do not just settle for photos especially dick shots, those are the alluring agents to get you hooked.
2) Cross question or revisit information that you are not clear on with the person(s) but do so cleverly, not to deceive but for your own confirmation
3) Literally archive your online convos with the party(ies) if you are unsure of their motives via the chat mechanisms or copy and paste them to a blank word doc or notepad
4) Verify if possible knowledge of the person(s) by others in the community if they are newbies the cross questioning point above should be used regularly .... make sure you are getting the truth
5) Decide on what clothing and colour or change colours previously agreed to if you are not sure of the individual you are going to meet
6) Study your surroundings when there and get there early, make note of markers etc
7) Find an open area such as a park for the first meeting preferably instead of a home or hotel so as to avoid any untoward attack and that too can avoid the need to get into the sack too quickly even if it is a nice future fuckbuddy
8) Plan your possible route(s) of escape if necessary, wear adequate clothing that will not impede you
9) Have a weapon of some sort or maze that can create a distraction then escape as quickly as possible
10) For the first meeting try to go as light as possible NO COSTLY items on you such as jewelry, brand clothes or shoes, GO LIGHT AS possible if unsure
11) Have a trusted friend accompany you if possible and have them away from the actual meeting spot but make sure they can see you
12) Make a call if needed to the person(s) who followed you and keep the line open so they can hear your conversation and call for help elsewhere if needed
13) If possible and where necessary have this TRUSTED third party/witness capture the moment via video or stream so as to make sure it is an authentic meeting/hookup
14) IF NEEDS BE or the situation is so dire try to cleverly (not easy to do) distract the perpetrator(s) by telling them you have an STD (NOT HIV) as that may have a psychological impact on them, it has worked in cases I have seen before
15) EVEN during the ordeal see if you can plan your escape, so if you were forced to do any oral sex for e.g and you saw a route or way out bite the fucker and run!!!!!!!!!!!!!! (although in such tense moments one can get nervous and loose thought)
16) Pay close attention to the weakest person in the group IF IT IS A GROUP ATTACK play on them if you can it may work in your favour, best way to escape sometimes is to let them argue and then you BOLT for your life >>>>self preservation dis name
17) Long term take self defense classes if needed
Peace and tolerance