Coming Out Day 2016 .........

Today is coming out day mostly in the US but the recognition of the day has spread worldwide and certainly this blog has been carrying this for some years now. In light of recent accidents on social media as reported of persons being outed on social media I decided to take a different stance this year. As social media is being embraced more and more complete with online campaigns some persons may inadvertently out themselves with some unintended consequences.

We continue to see challenges from reported cases of persons being outed unintentionally by (mis)use of social media accounts, memes, tweets and likes that ae spotted by antigay persons and who in turn use said online footprints to justify forced evictions, threats and so on. 

I will attempt at offering some suggestions by drawing from some previous posts as well involving elated cases and reports, also see my post on tips from sister blog GLBTQ Jamaica for this year: Coming Out Day 2016 ........ some tips 

plus:

Facebook & unintentional outings to family members ..... 

some tips on editing your personal settings
Go to: 

Apps and Websites
Control what gets shared with apps, games and websites........ then select Edit Settings

then go to:

How people bring your info to apps they use
People who can see your info can bring it with them when they use apps. Use this setting to control the categories of information people can bring with them......then edit settings .... the following should appear 

Then deselect the persons or relationships etc you want to be seen or not to be seen, the groups etc you are in. That is of course if you had set up a family and relationship group apart from your friends list.

Also on ones profile one can customize the viewers of posts at any given time, it might take a few more seconds to do so but it is worth the wait, that is also of course if you are willing to go through all that.

some control can also be here as well:

select the last option and you can literally type a name or names of persons who may want to block generally while using the above to control what goes fully public or to friends only etc.

Some previous safety suggestions that appeared on that June 2011 entry on hookups are posted are below:

Please bear in mind the following if you or someone you know is planning a face to face meeting following an continued e-lationship

1. Make sure the profiler has a real photo or photos of themselves
2. Ask questions about them, get to know as much as possible as timely as possible
3. Establish telephone contact as early as you see fit
4. Listen for any change in mood, tone or information shared over time
5. Keep the e-lationship going with regular interactions to pick up any changes as well
6. Archive or save suspicious exchanges as you see fit
7. Avoid instant hook-ups without first developing some rapport in the e-lationship
8. Tell a close friend where and when you are going to meet an online friend for the first time
9. Develop a trend in communicating for e.g same times if possible per day for chatting
10. If you decide to meet find an open public area as best as possible, and decide how to behave in that space to avoid any unsuspecting onlookers who may deduce it's a gay link up
11. Decide on clothing and colour or change colours previously agreed to if you are not sure of the individual
12. Study your surroundings when there and get there early (as this young man did)
13. Plan your possible route(s) of escape if necessary
14. Have a weapon of some sort or maze that can create a distraction then escape as quickly as possible
15. Have a trusted friend accompany you if possible and have them away from the actual meeting spot but make sure they can see you
16. Make a call if needed to the person(s) who followed you and keep the line open so they can hear your conversation and call for help elsewhere if needed
17. Set your Facebook profile to "Friends Only" as under "Friends of Friends" all other persons can see you
18. If you are in a group and are active you may turn off the feature where non friends can send you a message or see you photos
19. Use only a sensible face picture as your profile thumbnail so as to avoid stalking

The problematic adding of persons to groups without any restrictive action or vetting that action is also of concern as that has also caused some accidents for persons as sometimes especially if the group is an open one ones activity may appear on their wall viewable by all on their friend's list.

Tinker with the settings and see the ones that suit you best if you do not want to be exposed. Just some suggestions friends.

If all else fails just open another account that they do not know of and do your business.

Peace & tolerance

H

I left him because he was gay says woman ......

So a woman wrote to a tabloid to say she left a man she met because he is gay but she as many others attribute the stereotypical effeminacy as a marker in her engagement with the man

she claimed:

I have nothing against gay people. I say, to each his own. I pride myself on having a very good 'gaydar', meaning I'm very good at telling if someone, especially a guy, is gay. As them talk or make certain movements, I know not to look in their direction for a relationship.

It look like my 'gaydar' wasn't working when my friends introduced me to this guy at a party. He was very good-looking, he dressed nice, smelled good and was a great dancer.

When he asked me out later that week, I didn't hesitate one bit. From the first time me meet him, me notice him have a very high pitched laugh, almost like a girl, but me neva think too hard about it, because nuff people laugh funny, including me, so me neva judge him.

Things did a gwaan good fi a while but me notice him always a spend 'quality' time with him best friend, who happens to be a guy.

Nuff nights me call him and him tell me say him a sleep by him best-friend house.

Mi did feel a way about it, but me neva look too deep into it, at least, it wasn't another girl.

Ova time, a lot of things did start happen wah cause me fi start question his straightness, but what put the icing on the cake was one evening I asked him to follow me to a party, and he told me he can't come that day because it's his best friend's birthday, and he always takes him out to dinner. What kind of man takes another man out to a fancy restaurant for dinner?

From him say that, the signal pon me gaydar nearly pop off, if you get wah me mean! Mi just say, "ok", and, from that day, I cut him off.

I see him engaged to a woman now, but me sorry fi she, because she deh wid a gay man.

ENDS

But seriously isn't this another clear example of how our school system is not preparing folks on sexuality and orientation issues, the man despite being effeminate in her eyes could also be bisexual, who knows? But to simply to arrive at a gay conclusion just because of effeminacy is just plain stupid and ignorant.

Someone needs to tell this woman sexual orientation is bigger than stereotypical attitudes used as profiling to seek out person's perceived choices, practices and liking. 

No contact was left in the article to reach her as I think an intervention is so needed in the matter.

But thanks to people like Reverend Ronnie Thwaites and previous education minister(try) officials we are stuck in backwardness, as evidenced in the HFLE matter some years ago and a refusal to face facts by not distributing condoms in school with a moral panic offensive.

Peace & tolerance

H

also see previous downlow posts from here and sister blog GLBTQJA

The curious case of these "Curious Heaviots" Part 1 2009

Thwaites: Ministry alone cannot deal with homosexuality

Education Minister dismisses counsellors LGBT students issue, says it’s a 'minority' matter

The unofficial practice by churches in using marriage to cure homosexuality 2013

Q&A ON BISEXUALS: Examining Stereotypes and Misconceptions

Christian rocker Trey Pearson comes out in letter to fans

The timing of this story could not have been more opportune as the local debate heats up on conversion and rejection of gay clergy etc.

Source: HERE

He’s sung Gospel rock on stage all across the country, but Trey Pearson has never told the truth about his sexuality – until now. Pearson revealed he is gay in a letter to his fans on his website, according to the Independent.

“I never wanted to be gay. I was scared of what God would think and what all of these people I loved would think about me,” the 35-year-old singer wrote in a letter to his fans that was first published by Religion News Service on Tuesday. “But if this honesty with myself about who I am, and who I was made by God to be, doesn’t constitute as the peace that passes all understanding, then I don’t know what does. It is like this weight I have been carrying my whole life has been lifted from me, and I have never felt such freedom.”

Pearson says he first broke his silence to only a few people, including his wife, before he one day told a stranger, during a car ride for Uber, where he drove to pick up extra money. That stranger turned out to be a writer for an Ohio magazine, 614 Columbus.

“I’m gay, and one of the only people who knows is my wife,” Pearson told writer Travis Hoewischer. He shared the personal letter he wrote to his close friends and family.


“Most of us reach at least one pivotal moment in our lives that better defines who we are. These last several months have been the hardest—but also have ended up being the most freeing months—of my life. To make an extremely long story short, I have come to be able to admit to myself, and to my family, that I am gay.”

Pearson told Hoewischer he felt liberated at the revelation.

“There is a weight that has been lifted, and I have never felt so free. I cannot even believe the joy and lightness I feel from being able to accept myself, and love myself, for who I truly am … but I have also lost some of the closest people in my life. I have felt betrayal by people I loved a lot, and cared so much about. I have had some church people act like the worst people I have ever experienced in my life. I have some people in my life who I have felt a shift in the way they love me, and the way they see me. I want to be loved for who I am, not in spite of who I am. I’m starting over in so many ways. It is freeing, but it’s also starting out lonely.”

Pearson, who is the lead singer of Everyday Sunday, also spoke about how much he loved his wife, and his feelings about coming out to her after 7 and a half years of marriage.

Read more at 614 Columbus.

Coming Out Day 2015: Suggestions & Tips

Today is otherwise known as US National Coming out day but as per usual when they sneeze we catch a cold and so follow the lead as the template is set, it may be difficult to come out fully in Jamaica especially those on the lower socio economic strata who are far more exposed to the earthy homo-negative responses as the national psyche still has not fully come accustomed the ever expanding sexuality spectrum. The University of Illinois and a previous post on my Wordpress blog provided this wonderful list of how to come out which I found most applicable to our local scenario. Bearing in mind we still have high homo-negativity and effemophobia that can and has translated to verbal and physical abuse coupled with rejection so tread carefully folks.

Also see our diva Diana King’s coming out story on sister blog GLBTQJA: HERE

Coming out Transgender: HERE

and Making a Coming Out Plan: HERE

Coming Out

For lesbian, gay, bisexual and transgender (GLBT) people, coming out is a process of understanding, accepting, and valuing one’s sexual orientation/identity. Coming out includes both exploring one’s identity and sharing that identity with others. It also involves coping with societal responses and attitudes toward LGBT people. LGBT individuals are forced to come to terms with what it means to be different in a society that tends to assume everyone to be heterosexual and that tends to judge differences from the norm in negative ways. The coming out process is very personal. This process happens in different ways and occurs at different ages for different people. Some people are aware of their sexual identity at an early age; others arrive at this awareness only after many years. Coming out is a continuing, sometimes lifelong, process.While some anxiety related to sexuality is common among college students, the problems facing LGBT people are often more difficult than those facing others. Because positive role models are often difficult to identify, LGBT people may feel alone and unsure of their own sexual identities. Fear of rejection is greater among LGBT people due to the prejudices in society against them.

Coming Out to Oneself

Recognizing your own sexual identity and working toward self-acceptance are the first steps in coming out. First, concerning sexual identity, it helps to think of a sexual orientation continuum that ranges from exclusive same sex attraction to exclusive opposite sex attraction. Exploring your sexual identity may include determining where you presently fit along that continuum.

Concerning self-acceptance, it can be very helpful to focus on the positive aspects of LGBT culture, for example, its music, art, theater, books, events, and groups. It is also very helpful to seek out positive, well adjusted and comfortable role models among LGBT people. Building on the positive does not mean that you pretend that our society is past its discrimination, fears, and negative myths concerning LGBT people, or that these things do not have any effects on LGBT people. However, these negative things are better understood as externally based rather than inherent to your identity or your orientation. Part of developing a positive sense of self is understanding that your own homophobia is also externally based, the product of societal prejudices and anti-LGBT biases that have impinged upon you for much of your life.

There are many things to think about when considering coming out. Some of the positive outcomes may be increased self-esteem, greater honesty in one’s life, and a sense of greater personal integrity. In addition, there is often a sense of relief and a reduction of tension when one stops trying to deny or hide such an important part of his/her life. Coming out can lead to greater freedom of self-expression, positive sense of self and more healthy and honest relationships.

One safe means of beginning to come out to yourself is through reading about how others have dealt with similar issues. There are many books and periodicals available on all facets of LGBT life, from clinical studies on LGBT people to collections of A coming out stories.
Coming Out to Other Lesbians and Gay Men

Often, after spending some time getting in touch with one’s own feelings, the next step is to come out to others. It is usually advisable to come out first to those who are most likely to be supportive. LGBT people are a potential natural support system because they have all experienced at least some of the steps in the process of coming out. Sharing experiences about being gay, lesbian, bisexual or transgender can help you decrease feelings of isolation and shame. Furthermore, coming out to other LGBT people can help you build a community of people who can then support and assist you in coming out to others in your life. Many LGBT communities offer a number of helpful resources, including local coming out groups, switchboards, social outlets, and political and cultural activities and organizations.

Coming out to other LGBT people does not need to happen quickly. Also, choosing to do so does not mean that you must conform to real or presumed expectations of the LGBT community. What is most important is that you seek your own path through the comingout process and that you attend to your unique, personal timetable. You should not allow yourself to be pressured into anything you are not ready for or don’t want to do. It is important to proceed at your own pace, being honest with yourself and taking time to discover who you really are.
Coming Out to Heterosexuals

Perhaps your most difficult step in coming out will be to reveal yourself to heterosexuals. It is at this step that you may feel most likely to encounter negative consequences. Thus it is particularly important to go into this part of the coming out process with open eyes. For example, it will help to understand that some heterosexuals will be shocked or confused initially, and that they may need some time to get used to the idea that you are LGBT. Also, it is possible that some heterosexual family members or friends may reject you initially. However, do not consider them as hopeless; many people come around in their own time.

Loss of employment or housing are also possibilities that some LGBT people face. In some places it is still legal to discriminate against LGBT individuals for housing, employment and other issues. You should take this into consideration when deciding to whom and where you “come out” .

Coming out to others is likely to be a more positive experience when you are more secure with your sexuality and less reliant on others for your positive self-concept. The necessary clarification of feelings is a process that usually takes place over time. It may be a good idea to work through that process before you take the actual steps. Usually it is not a good idea to come out on the spur of the moment. Make coming out an action, not a reaction.
In coming out to others, consider the following:
Think about what you want to say and choose the time and place carefully.

Be aware of what the other person is going through. The best time for you might not be the best time for someone else.

Present yourself honestly and remind the other person that you are the same individual you were yesterday.

Be prepared for an initially negative reaction from some people. Do not forget that it took time for you to come to terms with your sexuality, and that it is important to give others the time they need.

Have friends lined up to talk with you later about what happened.

Don’t give up hope if you don’t initially get the reaction you wanted. Due to inculcated societal prejudices mentioned earlier, some people need more time than others to come to terms with what they have heard.

Above all, be careful no to let your self-esteem depend entirely on the approval of others. If a person rejects you and refuses to try to work on acceptance, that’s not your fault. Keep in mind that this initial refusal may get reversed once the individual gets used to the idea that you are LGBT. If time does not seem to change the individual’s attitude toward you, then you may want to re-evaluate your relationship and its importance to you. Remember that you have the right to be who you are, you have the right to be out and open about all important aspects of your identity including your sexual orientation, and in no case is another person’s rejection evidence of your lack of worth or value.
Summary

The decision to come out is always personal. Whether to come out and, if so, when, where, how, and to whom are all questions you must answer for yourself. Taking control of this process includes being aware in advance of potential ramifications so that you can act positively rather than defensively. Coming out may be one of the most difficult tasks you confront in your life, but it can also be one of the most rewarding. Coming out is one way of affirming your dignity and the dignity of other LGBT people. Remember that you are not alone; there is a viable LGBT community waiting to be explored, and more heterosexual “allies” are willing to offer their support than you might have first imagined.

A successful coming out friends if not still love yah if you stay in.

Peace & tolerance

H

Coming Out Day - Making a coming out plan

Also see: 

Coming Out Day - Tips and Suggestions

Diana King’s coming out story on sister blog GLBTQJA: HERE

Coming Out Transgender

Making a Coming Out Plan

When you’re ready to tell that first person — or even those first few people — give yourself time to prepare. Think through your options and make a deliberate plan of who to approach, when and how. You may want to ask yourself the following questions:
What kind of signals are you getting?

■ You can get a sense of how accepting people will be by the things they say — or don’t say — when GLBT-related issues come up. Try to bring them up yourself by talking about a GLBTthemed movie, TV character or news event. If a person’s reactions are positive, chances are he or she will be more accepting of what you have to tell them.
Are you well informed about GLBT issues?

■ The reactions of others will most likely be based on a lifetime of misinformation, and in some cases even negative portrayals of GLBT people. If you’ve done some reading on the subject, you’ll be prepared to answer their concerns and questions with reliable and accurate information.

Do you know what it is you want to say?

■ Particularly at the beginning of the coming out process, many people are still answering tough questions for themselves and are not ready to identify as being gay, lesbian, bisexual or transgender. That’s okay. Maybe you just want to tell someone that you’re attracted to someone of the same sex, or that you feel uncomfortable with the expectations of cultural gender norms. Maybe you just want to tell someone about a new same-sex attraction, or that you’re feeling that your true gender does not align with cultural “gender norms.”

Labels aren’t important; your feelings are. Also, you may want to try writing out what you want to say, to help organize and express your thoughts clearly.
Do you have support?

■ You don’t have to do this alone. A support system is an invaluable place to turn to for reassurance. Sources of support can be other GLBT people who are living openly, GLBT hotlines, a supportive member of the clergy or friend, if you are coming out for the second or third time, perhaps the first person you opened up to initially. A supportive mental health professional often helps people become more comfortable. In fact, these are the first people some of us come out to.

Is this a good time?

■ Timing can be very important. Be aware of the mood, priorities, stresses and problems of those to whom you would like to come out. Be aware that if they’re dealing with their own major life concerns, they may not be able to respond constructively to yours.

Can you be patient?

■ Some people will need time to deal with this new information, just as it took time for many of us to come to terms with being GLBT. When you come out to others, be prepared to give them the time they need to adjust to what you’ve said. Rather than expect immediate understanding, try to establish an ongoing, caring dialogue.

■ Remember, the whole reason you chose to be open with the person is that you care about them. If they react strongly, it’s likely because they care about you as well. Keep that in mind as you navigate trying times.

Telling Family Members
No matter what their age, many people are afraid their parents will reject them if they come out. The good news is that you’re probably wrong. However, if you are under age 18 or financially dependent on your parents, consider this very, very carefully.

Some reactions you may want to prepare for:

■ Some parents may react in ways that hurt. They may cry, get angry or feel embarrassed.

■ Some parents will feel honored and appreciate that you have entrusted them with an important piece of truth about yourself.

■ Some parents will need to grieve the dreams they had for you, before they see the new, more genuine life you are building for yourself.

■ They may ask where they “went wrong” or if they did something “to cause this.” Assure them that they did nothing wrong.

■ Some may call being GLBT a sin, or attempt to send their child to a counselor or therapist in the baseless hope that they can “change.”

■ Some parents will already know you’re gay, lesbian, bisexual or transgender — or they might have an inkling. They may have been waiting for you to tell them, and find your doing so a relief.

■ It may take time for a parent to absorb or come to terms with the information. Good or bad, their initial reaction may not reflect their feelings over the long term.

Remember that your parents grew up in a time when some of the stereotypes about GLBT people were more prevalent than they are today. Remember, too, that they’re probably trying to keep you safe from something they do not understand. Finally, keep in mind this is big news, and there’s no timetable for how long it takes parents to adjust.

Parents need time too

Having the Conversations
Fostering strong, deep relationships with your friends and family begins with honesty. Living openly is important because it allows for closer relationships with the people you care about — and ultimately a happier life for you. For most people coming out or opening up to someone new starts with a conversation.

It’s normal to want or hope for positive reactions from the people you tell, including:
■ Acceptance
■ Support
■ Understanding
■ Comfort
■ Reassurance that your relationship won’t be
negatively affected
■ Confidence that your relationship will be closer
■ Acknowledgment of your feelings
■ Love
All or some of these positive reactions can result from your coming out conversation, but they may not happen immediately. Putting yourself in the other person’s shoes may also be helpful.

A person who has just had someone come out to them often feels:
■ Surprised
■ Honoured
■ Uncomfortable
■ Scared
■ Unsure how to react
■ Supportive
■ Disbelieving
■ Relieved
■ Curious
■ Angry
■ Anxious
■ Unsure what to do next

Give the person you’re telling the time they need. It may also be helpful to remember that the person you’re really doing this for is you. When you’re ready to tell someone, consider starting with the person most likely to be supportive. This might be a friend, relative or teacher. Maybe you will tell this person that you are gay, lesbian, bisexual or transgender. Maybe you will simply say that you have questions about your sexual orientation or gender identity. Again, there is no right or wrong way to do this. You are the expert in knowing what’s best for yourself and what you are feeling. When you are ready, here are a couple of things to keep in mind:
■ Find a relaxed, private place to have the conversation, and allow adequate time.
■ People will usually take their cues from you in how to approach this — so be open and honest and say that it’s okay to ask questions.

Appropriate and gentle humour can go a long way to easing anxiety for both you and the person you are speaking with.

Coming Out (or outed) 2012

Two years ago I did a post on 'coming out' in February 2010 way before the October Coming Out recognition period with this month being LGBT HISTORY MONTH as well and a long time blog follower brought it to my attention as I had posted an entry with suggestions for coming out transgender on sister blog GLBTQJA on Wordpress this year and they were reminded of that msm angled entry made here. Interestingly with all the happenings since this year several positive historic outings have occurred including activists making public appearances although being atheists which is really good to see and hear independent voices representing LGBT issues.

Anyway back to the coming out issue as October 11th is recognized as coming out day almost everywhere is the old post then and strangely the same issues abound today. With the almost daily accounts of displacements for the slightest mistakes made on the internet or at home there is some cause for concern as to how to engage young LGBT people in particular to come out in a way they see fit and not BE OUTED by mistake with disastrous consequences. Given our environment these days however can we be really "Out" as we would like to be?

The post from 2010 February:

These days in the Jamaican context one can imagine the difficulties same gender loving men young and old alike have in the coming out process. That can be defined as either voluntarily doing so or forcibly outed by just family members and friends prying into the private lives of persons who do not have a member of the opposite sex romantically present in their lives and publicly displaying their affections to each other. The proverbial questions asked by usually inquisitive older family members like, where is your girlfriend or boyfriend? as the case maybe or when are you going to produce children or grandchildren? These annoying taunts sometimes are brushed off with convenient answers like soon or he/she doesn't want to come to my house yet so as to avoid the pestering.

Many homosexuals or MSMs in Jamaica end up being outed after the above issues go on for a protracted period and when the family membership, friends or nosy neighbours don’t see the partner of the opposite sex forthcoming then the all too familiar rumour and whispers increases usually unbeknown to the subject. There have been cases as well where the desire to prove their suspicions leads to searching personal effects such as cell phone message inboxes or emails if they get access to those communication areas. I distinctly recall a case a couple years ago where a young man was rebuffed by his family and thrown out of the house with his belongings after his mother instructed his younger brother to search his phone for suspicious gay activity, her suspicious were confirmed when several private messages were discovered, she proceeded to hold on to the phone as proof and showed the damming messages between himself and alleged male counterparts to his father and other neighbours thus occasioning their demand for his exit. He eventually moved out of the community under some police protection.

Our socialization is much more closely nit as neighbours are more friendly than other jurisdictions so people tend to knowingly (“Fass”) pry into affairs of the heart if needs be, if a single man for example lives alone and has no female companions visiting or over nighting then he is watched closely for suspicious clues of his sexuality. Disturbingly sometimes other undercover gay and bisexual persons participate in this rumour mill of sorts to cover their own tracks especially if they have no visible clues of gayness for e.g. effeminate aesthetics, metro sexual attire or association with the subjected individual(s) in question. Certainly over time many gay men who had suffered this forced outing process have complained that other gay men have outed them by pointing them out to the prying audience and with very little way of defending oneself at this point the outed person(s) usually for their own safety quietly and quickly relocate to avoid problems.

There are more positive accounts however of persons coming out to more tolerant family members and friend but usually these accounts come from persons who are travelled and exposed to other cultures predominantly the United States and the UK. Social class has a lot to do with this as well as many of these accounts come from upper middle income earning households who have a different take on the coming out process almost mimicking a North American approach but sometimes the negative impacts include exclusion from a will (loss of access to the trust fund), ostracism from the home, malice, loss of privileges and family breakups.

I doubt if there is anything on record at JFLAG that properly documents this phenomenon or track the persons involved most of what I have garnered is from memory or my own tracking of past cases I am aware of.

Another tragic outing process is through the mass media when sometimes embellished stories make front page news like the recent Barbie episodes or persons forcibly evicted from their homes and the actions justified in some sense by the writers of the respective articles. Who can forget the very public outing of two gay men in western Jamaica several years ago when they were allegedly escorted by police to the station on foot in the nude after neighbours called the cops under suspicion that the men were gay and having sex in their home. The police were said to have entered the home and ordered the men to undress then told them to follow them to the station much to the jeering and laughter of the public looking on. Respect for the precinct or sanctity of the threshold of ones home is usually smashed when invaders be they arms of the law or rowdy members of the public seem to think they have a right to mame alleged gay individuals anywhere and anytime.

Probably a set of programs or courses need too be implemented to aid experts in human sexuality gays, lesbians and their families about the coming out processes, its implications and tolerance that could include the tenets of the law where privacy, freedom of choice, sexuality and basic rights are concerned.

Mi a wonda a who a go dweet doh ? As di people dem who fi dweet nah seh nuttin.

Public comments please or email lgbtevent@gmail.com.

Original posts ENDS

Some suggestions in Coming out to family members

Some reactions you may want to prepare for:

■ Some parents may react in ways that hurt. They may cry, get angry or feel embarrassed.

■ Some parents will feel honored and appreciate that you have entrusted them with an important piece of truth about yourself.

■ Some parents will need to grieve the dreams they had for you, before they see the new, more genuine life you are building for yourself.

■ They may ask where they “went wrong” or if they did something “to cause this.” Assure them that they did nothing wrong.

■ Some may call being GLBT a sin, or attempt to send their child to a counselor or therapist in the baseless hope that they can “change.”

■ Some parents will already know you’re gay, lesbian, bisexual or transgender — or they might have an inkling. They may have been waiting for you to tell them, and find your doing so a relief.

■ It may take time for a parent to absorb or come to terms with the information. Good or bad, their initial reaction may not reflect their feelings over the long term.

Remember that your parents grew up in a time when some of the stereotypes about GLBT people were more prevalent than they are today.

Remember, too, that they’re probably trying to keep you safe from something they do not understand.

Finally, keep in mind this is big news, and there’s no timetable for how long it takes parents to adjust.

Deciding to Tell Others

Most people come out because, sooner or later, they can’t stand hiding who they are anymore. They want their relationships to be stronger, richer, more fulfilling and authentic. Once we do come out, most of us find that it feels far better to be open and honest than to conceal such an integral part of ourselves. We also come to recognize that our personal decision to live openly helps break down barriers and stereotypes that have kept others in the closet. And in doing so, we make it easier for others to follow our example.

The Benefits of Coming Out:

■ Living an open and whole life.

■ Developing closer, more genuine relationships.

■ Building self-esteem from being known and loved for who we really are.

■ Reducing the stress of hiding our identity.

■ Connecting with others who are GLBT.

■ Being part of a strong and vibrant community.

■ Helping to dispel myths and stereotypes about who GLBT people are and what our lives are like.

■ Becoming a role model for others.

■ Making it easier for younger GLBT people who will follow in our footsteps.

Along with these benefits, there are also risks. As constructive as the decision is, the reaction of others can be difficult or impossible to predict.

The Risks of Coming Out:

■ Not everyone will be understanding or accepting.

■ Family, friends or co-workers may be shocked, confused or even hostile.

■ Some relationships may permanently change.

■ We may experience harassment or discrimination.

■ Some young people, especially those under age 18, may be thrown out of their homes or lose financial support from parents.

You’re in Charge:

When you weigh the benefits and risks of being open about who you are, it’s important to remember that the person in charge of your coming out journey is you. You decide who to confide in, when to do it and how. You also decide when coming out just may not be right, necessary or advisable

Keep in Mind That:

There is no one right or wrong way to come out or live openly. Choosing to come out or to be open does not mean you have to be out at all times or in all places — you decide how, where and when based on what’s right for you. Your sexual orientation and gender identity are important pieces of you, but they do not have to define you. Living openly doesn’t change all the many unique things that make you, you.

Making a Coming Out Plan

When you’re ready to tell that first person — or even those first few people — give yourself time to prepare. Think through your options and make a deliberate plan of who to approach, when and how. You may want to ask yourself the following questions:

What kind of signals are you getting?

■ You can get a sense of how accepting people will be by the things they say — or don’t say — when GLBT-related issues come up. Try to bring them up yourself by talking about a GLBTthemed movie, TV character or news event. If a person’s reactions are positive, chances are he or she will be more accepting of what you have to tell them.

Are you well informed about GLBT issues?

■ The reactions of others will most likely be based on a lifetime of misinformation, and in some cases even negative portrayals of GLBT people. If you’ve done some reading on the subject, you’ll be prepared to answer their concerns and questions with reliable and accurate information.

Do you know what it is you want to say?

■ Particularly at the beginning of the coming out process, many people are still answering tough questions for themselves and are not ready to identify as being gay, lesbian, bisexual or transgender. That’s okay. Maybe you just want to tell someone that you’re attracted to someone of the same sex, or that you feel uncomfortable with the expectations of cultural gender norms. Maybe you just want to tell someone about a new same-sex attraction, or that you’re feeling that your true gender does not align with cultural “gender norms.” Labels aren’t important; your feelings are. Also, you may want to try writing out what you want to say, to help organize and express your thoughts clearly.

Do you have support?

■ You don’t have to do this alone. A support system is an invaluable place to turn to for reassurance. Sources of support can be other GLBT people who are living openly, GLBT hotlines, school guidance counselors, a supportive member of the clergy or, if you are coming out for the second or third time, perhaps the first person you opened up to initially. A supportive mental health professional often helps people become more comfortable. In fact, these are the first people some of us come out to.

Is this a good time?

■ Timing can be very important. Be aware of the mood, priorities, stresses and problems of those to whom you would like to come out. Be aware that if they’re dealing with their own major life concerns, they may not be able to respond constructively to yours.

Can you be patient?

■ Some people will need time to deal with this new information, just as it took time for many of us to come to terms with being GLBT. When you come out to others, be prepared to give them the time they need to adjust to what you’ve said. Rather than expect immediate understanding, try to establish an ongoing, caring dialogue.

■ Remember, the whole reason you chose to be open with the person is that you care about them. If they react strongly, it’s likely because they care about you as well. Keep that in mind as you navigate trying times.

Having the Conversations

Fostering strong, deep relationships with your friends and family begins with honesty. Living openly is important because it allows for closer relationships with the people you care about — and ultimately a happier life for you. For most people coming out or opening up to someone new starts with a conversation.

It’s normal to want or hope for positive reactions from the people you tell, including:
■ Acceptance
■ Support
■ Understanding
■ Comfort
■ Reassurance that your relationship won’t be
negatively affected
■ Confidence that your relationship will be closer
■ Acknowledgment of your feelings
■ Love
All or some of these positive reactions can result from your coming out conversation, but they may not happen immediately. Putting yourself in the other person’s shoes may also be helpful.

A person who has just had someone come out to them often feels:
■ Surprised
■ Honoured
■ Uncomfortable
■ Scared
■ Unsure how to react
■ Supportive
■ Disbelieving
■ Relieved
■ Curious
■ Angry
■ Anxious
■ Unsure what to do next

Give the person you’re telling the time they need. It may also be helpful to remember that the person you’re really doing this for is you. When you’re ready to tell someone, consider starting with the person most likely to be supportive. This might be a friend, relative or teacher. Maybe you will tell this person that you are gay, lesbian, bisexual or transgender. Maybe you will simply say that you have questions about your sexual orientation or gender identity. Again, there is no right or wrong way to do this. You are the expert in knowing what’s best for yourself and what you are feeling. When you are ready, here are a couple of things to keep in mind:
■ Find a relaxed, private place to have the conversation, and allow adequate time.
■ People will usually take their cues from you in how to approach this — so be open and honest and say that it’s okay to ask questions.

Appropriate and gentle humour can go a long way to easing anxiety for both you and the person you are speaking with.

Telling Friends

When you’re ready to come out to friends, you may be lucky enough to have some who are already out themselves, or who have a GLBT friend or relative of their own. Oftentimes, however, coming out to a friend can be a leap of faith. Here are some things you may want to consider:

■ Your friends may surprise you. Those you thought would be least judgmental may be the first to turn away; those who seem least likely to be accepting sometimes offer the strongest support.

■ Don’t assume prejudice. Earlier we mentioned that signals can help indicate someone’s level of support, or lack thereof. While that’s true, it is just as possible to read too much into an off-the-cuff remark. Give your friends a chance to be supportive.

The Coming Out Continuum

Coming out and living openly aren’t something you do once, or even for one year. It’s a journey that we make every single day of our lives. There are three broad stages that people move through on the coming out continuum. For each person it is a little different, and you may find that at times you move backward and forward through the phases all at once.

1) Opening Up to Yourself

The period when your journey is beginning — when you’re asking yourself questions, moving toward coming out to yourself and perhaps the decision to tell others.

2) Coming Out

The period when you’re actively talking for the first time about your sexual orientation or gender identity with family, friends, co-workers, classmates and other people in your life.

3) Living Openly

The ongoing phase after you’ve initially talked with the people closest to you about your life as a GLBT person, and are now able to tell new people that come into your life fluidly —where and when it feels appropriate to you.

further references also see: 

Facebook fallouts continue …..

and

Jamaican singer Diana King comes out

Peace and tolerance

H

Suriname holds first gay rights march

Brazilians and Surinamese members of the LGBT community participate in the first International Coming Out Day, and the launcing of the "Say No to Hate" (symbolized by N2H8) campaign in Paramaribo. Image by: RANU ABHELAKH / REUTERS 


 Suriname’s first gay rights march in the capital on Tuesday drew a small peaceful crowd to protest in part a legislator’s insistence that homosexuality “should be completely eradicated.” Approximately 120 people marched for 15 minutes from Independence Square to a restaurant in this tiny Latin American nation’s capital wearing pink shirts and waving rainbow flags. Gay, bisexual and transgender groups organized the “National Coming Out Day” aimed at outlawing discrimination. 


 “This is an eye opener for both the government and the people who have not yet come out,” said Marciano Zaalman, 29, a member of one of the organizing groups. The march was organized after legislator Ronny Asabina launched a tirade against homosexuality in July, describing it as a “disease and a mental disorder.” 

 The march ended with speeches, followed by dancing to music blaring from a party bus supplied by the sizable Brazilian community. Men in drag mixed with families and children who participated in the event. Suriname, with a population of about 500 000, is a former Dutch colony sandwiched between French Guyana and Guyana, with Brazil to the South. It won its independence from the Netherlands in 1975. “Generally speaking, people are not willing to talk about sexuality, let alone homosexuality,” said Boris Dittrich, advocacy director of Human Rights Watch’s gay rights program. 


 President Desire Bouterse did not participate in the march, which wound its way past his office. Harish Monorath, was one of two members of parliament to take part. “The taboo still exists,” he said. “Too many members of parliament are still having a retarded attitude toward homosexuality.” Dutch politicians have waded into the debate by sending letters to ministers in Suriname asking for comment on Asabina’s tirade and whether his views were supported by the governing coalition. Bouterse has refused to enter the debate. 


“I believe gay people are nice guys. Everyone has their own preference,” he told a news conference on Monday.
ENDS


More and more smaller states in or near the Caribbean are moving ahead and making firsts in their own territory's LGBT history, good to see that Suriname who we do not seem to hear a lot about in the news on homosexuality has stepped up to the plate and launched out despite oppositions and participation from politicians as well.


Peace and tolerance


H

The "outing" on a Sunday morning ....

The life of a fifty plus year old married man from a middle class suburban community in St. Catherine will not be the same again following a most embarrassing outing and temporary displacement incident on of all days a Sunday morning April 10th as he returned from early morning exercising to prepare to go to church with his family. The man who was described as very active in his community and a member of the neighbourhood watch team among other social outreach work is also a father of two male teenagers but as it turns out he also may have had another side to him that was discovered by accident allegedly by the wife who reportedly burrowed the cellphone that was left as he went on the usual early morning exercise routine as many do who reside in that scheme.

It was upon his return according to eyewitness reports that things got out of control as his wife and two other relatives on her side created an embarrassing scene at the home much to the shock of the neighbours, as in cases such as this the audience usually gathers very quickly as word spread that Mr. So and So was a battyman so animated the issue became that prayer warriors allegedly from his church congregation who may have been called also converged at the home during the initial heated exchange between the couple and relatives to supposedly pray the gay away. The teenage boys were reportedly stunned as they watched the incident unfold. The prayer warriors reportedly passionately called on God to strike down this evil spirit out of him as he was a good man and just strayed, they shouted frantically and some were said to be "in the spirit" with a view to fix Mr. So and So. The homosexual relationship as it was belted out by the woman, his wife of some twelve years now supposedly started when their house that was upgraded had several thug looking typed characters working on the construction activities she said she was told only some time afterwards that something looked suspicious as there was one particular guy who would hail her husband and her also when he passed by the home on his bicycle and was very friendly but she didn't take it as a gay relationship instead she thought he was just being polite, she also suggested that one particular neighbour who is known to be very nosy (there is one in every community, village lawyers) said the young thug came by the house more than once when she was travelling but she never took it seriously and maybe thought he was just coming to ask for some money or assistance seeing that they were familiar with him from before. He is described as very masculine, muscular and handsome with a very cool yet dreaded demeanor.

Things came to a head however when the "alleged thug lover" in question turned up at the home with other men on bicycles saying it was a lie that was told on him and that he was called and told that his name was being mentioned that he was a battyman and involved with Mr. So and So, they hurled expletives at the woman insisting she stopped pushing her unfounded accusations, the reported damning text message that was the evidence the victim's wife relied on could not be found by this time to substantiate her claim and it's not yet known what actually occurred between the man's arrival from exercising and his access to the phone which he had in his possession during the heated exchange, he may have deleted the text, interestingly enough it was the alleged "thug lover" who drove off with the outed man in a car that was parked on the sidewalk when things cooled down, both men along with others returned in the afternoon with a moving truck to take out the man's belongings with other thugs seemingly guarding the truck and entrance to the home. They also reportedly chased away some onlookers and the prayer warriors who had calmed down from the praying exercise by this time but who were still expressing shock at the allegations. The thug in question apparently also left a veiled threat that if anything should happen to "bossy" (a common term used to show respect from hyper masculine types to older men especially if they are able to get jobs or money when they make requests of them) he would sort out who is to be sorted out (not in such kind language). On lookers were said to be mum yet fearful to condemn or make anti gay sentiments based on the type of men who at the scene in an indirect way defending Mr. So and So but there were whispers non the less.

Things have calmed since and my sources tell me that community seems quiet on the surface. If there are any new developments there will be updates.

Even if the allegations are not true this also show how quickly a situation can develop from just mere assumptions with no time to defend oneself for a retreat or an amicable solution.

Notes:

Whether there is any truth to the allegations we may never be sure unless we get really close to the situation or if the man in question is willing to speak on the issue. It is interesting however if the men who arrived on the scene to deny the allegations and to guard the removal process were defending the outed man because they too are gay or bisexual as well but have an image to protect seeing working class types must adopt hyper-masculine or "heaviot" aesthetics or they were defending him because they didn't believe the allegation or because they can "nyam a food" (favours or money they can get from literally free loading on more affluent men in a non sexual relationship) or all of the above.

One thing I am happy it never turned out any more violent that it may have if it were different circumstances and a more depressed community we know all too well the outcomes of said outings elsewhere.

The matter of downlow rears it head again in this incident and begs some questions:

1) when if ever are we going to have any discourse on clandestine relationships seriously in the public domain?

2) in this case are we to assume the thugs were or are gay for pay types but deny publicly the accusations?

3) given recent happenings in certain inner city communities where so called thugs/heaviots/hyper masculine types are caught in the act, are you surprised?

4) did de man dem a protect dem ting cause man haffi nyam a food nuh matter wah?

Sure it is when stories like this are highlighted properly that we get the opportunity to examine the issues of down-low living better although each case must be taken on it's own merit.

A similar incident happened in another section of St. Catherine as well several years ago and while some neighbours expressed outrage and anti gay sentiments it was some of the so called thugs in the area who said the outed man should remain and no one was to touch him, they since retracted that line and he had to remove from his home and selling the property.

Peace and tolerance

H

Buju Banton Found Guilty in Florida Court .... comeuppance ??

From Go Jamaica

Jamaica's reggae superstar Buju Banton, real name Mark Myrie, has been found guilty of three cocaine related charges.

A 12 member jury today February 21st around minutes after 2pm delivered the verdict in the Sam M Gibbons building in Tampa which houses the United States Middle District Court, Florida Division.
Buju was found guilty on conspiracy to possess with intent to distribute five kilograms or more of a mixture and substance containing a detectable amount of cocaine.
He was also found guilty for attempting to possess five kilograms or more of cocaine.

He was found guilty for aiding and abetting others in using a communication facility in the commission of a felony.

He was found not guilty for knowingly and intentionally possessing a firearm in furtherance of and during the course of a drug-trafficking crime.

Buju was tried last week (the week before the 21st) on four charges.

Buju throughout the maintained he is innocent of the charges saying he play no part in any conspiracy to possess cocaine.

In denying the claims against him, Buju, though his attorney David Oscar Markus, argued that the artiste never became a willing participant of the cocaine conspiracy charged in the superseding indictment.

The defence said tasting the cocaine, talking about cocaine and simply being present at the warehouse is not sufficient to find Buju guilty of the crimes charged.

This trial, which began on February 14, was the second attempt of the US government to convict the Jamaican artiste. A first trial last year was declared a mistrial after jurors failed to arrive at a unanimous position.
Buju was arrested on December 10, 2009.

His long-time friend Ian Thomas and a James Mack were arrested the same day when they attempted to by cocaine from undercover detectives in a Florida warehouse. Thomas and Mack pleaded guilty but Buju denied the charges. He said he decided to fight in federal court because he knows he is innocent.

ENDS

Notes:

Even after all the evidence presented and the clear cut case of his involvement in drug activity persons still believe the gay community had something to do with Mark Myrie's woes. It's just beyond me sometimes how we love to find someone to blame for things even when the reasons are staring you in the face. Some persons went as far as to call the judge and jurors faggots because the ruling didn't come out in their favour. There are those sensible amongst us though who warn other artists not to get into questionable dealings with people you can't verify or who are shady. The Drug Enforcement Agency as far as I am concerned like many other American law enforcement arms cannot be twisted like our systems here, no fiasco, no payola, no taking sides just straight justice. Interesting play on words given the circumstances.

The big question for me out of all this is why was Buju Banton even having a conversation with a virtual stranger? a man or men you never met before and all of a sudden you happen to see them on a flight and develop such a chummy link in such a short time? I didn't buy it then and I don't buy it now, furthermore Rastafarians are not to be even seen having or even dealing with the "white lady"/cocaine let alone tasting it as was alleged by the Drug Enforcement Agency that they have Buju Banton on tape sampling the stash.

This is a sad day in our entertainment industry though despite his "change" to the Rastafarian faith it seems there were dark things going on under the guise of that change and it has come to haunt him. There are many in the gay community who are rejoicing for a different reason as we may know the whole "Boom Bye Bye" message and what it has come to mean these years. Many say he deserves his comeuppance as he refused to withdraw the offending song even after strong pressure from the american gay rights activists and the Stop Murder Music campaign and that meeting in San Francisco while he was on tour turned out to be a public relations stunt. More here as well.

I think we have to be on the look out for the crack pots who have been duped into believing it was the LGBT community who set him up referring to some invisible Babylon system that is oppressive to black people, The United States legal system is not as screwed up as ours so one doesn't just squirm your way through thinking celebrity will save you worse yet when you are not a citizen. I am also sure the apologists are going to go on some campaign now to prove these unfounded allegations.

Buju Banton got himself in his own mess, one should also take note not once was there any gay activist protest, public rant or any such thing by or near the courthouse to make him out to be evil, we all waited and the verdict is in. If the activists were after him they would have targeted his every move within the United States as unlike Jamaica freedom of speech and assembly are utilized to their fullest with effective results. I strongly suspect that he was being watched by the authorities from the moment he delivered that song "Driver", could it be a case of cock mouth ketch cock?

In a Gleaner report on February 16th it was clear to many that Buju Banton was up to the game as on the day when he was arrested on December 8th he was said to have thanked the informant (he didn't know yet) for presenting the deal to him: "On the way to the warehouse on December 8, two days before Buju was arrested, the superstar thanked the informer for setting up the deal.

"You have given me the opportunity to make myself again," Buju said to Johnson in an audio recording.

He complained to the informant that he did not make any money on his last tour and that gay-rights organisation, The Gay & Lesbian Alliance Against Defamation, "is trying to run me under".

As taken from the transcripts themselves in the conversation between himself and the informant (Buju didn't know at the time) he seems clearly interested in doing business, get the full 62 paged document here: http://www.tampabay.com/specials/2010/PDFs/banton.pdf he referred to snitches and that he didn't event trust the privacy of the very conversation he was having then with the man named CS.

Peace and tolerance

H

EXtrazzzzz: here is a parody video of some of his songs put in the form of him coming out, al least there is some humour in all this tragedy.

"I Was Born This Way" (flashback Gleaner article 25.07.01) .... so someone else declared b4 Lady GaGa

I was born this way'

By Garwin Davis,

Staff Reporter

WESTERN BUREAU:

PAUL MILLER (name changed to protect identity) is finally at peace with himself. After years of self-denial and "living a lie," Miller has been able to come to grips with the fact that he is attracted to men.

"I can't help being the person I am," he declared, his defiant voice sounding somewhat relieved that he could say this openly. "I didn't just wake up one morning and decide that I wanted to be gay, I was born this way and so are a lot of other Jamaican men and women. We are no different from anybody else -- God made us this way and no, I am not ashamed of who I am."
Now 29 and at the stage of his life where he freely admits wanting to settle down with that "special someone," Miller recalls the first time it dawned on him that he was attracted to someone of the same sex.

"It was the funniest thing ever, are you sure you want to hear this?" he said, his eyes barely making contact from across the table but enough to tell that he was a little unsure about the bluntness of the interview. "I was 14 at the time and there was this guy at school that I felt this urge for which I just couldn't explain. I mean, there were girls that I thought I liked too but with him the feelings were different."
Miller remembers going home from school one Friday afternoon with "his special friend" when suddenly, "maybe by design," he chuckles, they found themselves alone. "We just wandered off and realising there was no one around we started kissing. It didn't go further than that but it was an experience that, at the time, simply blew my mind."

He claims not to have had another experience of the sort with his friend, noting that they drifted apart over the years. "I still see him every now and then but to be honest I don't know if he is gay or if he is straight. We occasionally say hello to each other but we have never discussed that incident of 14 years ago." Miller, who went to one of the traditional high schools in Kingston, an all boys school was all he would reveal, despite the prompting, said that as the years went on he used as "face cards" athletics and the company of several girlfriends to conceal his great big secret.

He even tried to convince himself that what he was going through was just a phase and that eventually he would find the right woman and the yearning for male companionship would disappear. Miller, "to appear normal," he explained, would also engage himself in gay bashing and came across to his peers as the ideal poster boy, "the man with all the girls," they would say.
"None of my friends had the slightest idea that I was gay," he recalls, his eyes now fully focused and for the first time during the interview, seems very relaxed. "I wore nice clothes, wasn't from a bad neighbourhood and had no problem attracting girls. It was deception of the highest order but looking back, I can't see where I had a choice. I mean, I probably would have been lynched from the nearest tree if people had found out."

In 1994, Miller met a young woman whom he felt would have turned his life around. He is not certain if it was because they started out as "very good friends" before they decided to get intimate why they got on so well together. "I cared deeply for her," he admitted. "I don't know if that is different from saying that I loved her but yes she was very special."
The relationship, or facade, as he puts it, lasted for a couple of years before it came to its inevitable conclusion. "She hinted at wanting to break it off and though I really liked her I did nothing to stop her," Miller said. Perhaps, looking back, it was good that it ended when it did because I know it wouldn't have gone anywhere. I was living a lie and it was killing me." And did he cheat on her while they were together? "Yes," he muttered. "I cheated on her with a man."

Gay defends sexuality, chastises society's 'hypocrisy'

Miller has not been involved in another relationship, neither with a man or woman, since but admits that he dates occasionally. "There is this mistaken belief in the wider society that all we do is go around having sex," he added. "This is not true. I am not saying that you don't have a lot of promiscuity going on in the gay community but there is a lot more to our lifestyle than just sex. We have meaningful relationships too like heterosexuals -- we share the same joys, sorrows and heartaches that comes with everyday life -- we even shed tears too you know. We could be your friend and closest confidante and you don't even know it -- we are all over society."

Miller, who has recently gone back to school where he is doing a course in business at one of the island's universities, said he is trying to find some way to tell his parents about his lifestyle but hasn't yet summoned up the courage. "Sometimes I believe my mother, who is a very perceptive woman, knows," he added. "Moms always know everything and I just have this feeling that she is on to something. My dad, I don't think he would take such news too well."

Miller feels that the time is not too far off when gays will finally be able to come "out of the closet" in Jamaica and can openly show their affection to each other without the fear of persecution. He sees society's attitude towards homosexuals as very hypocritical, noting that a lot of it has to do with people who are not so sure of their own sexuality. "The day of full acceptance by society is not too far off," Miller notes. "Look at the strides we have made over the years. The fact that we can be sitting here doing this interview is a testament to that."