I met a fella on adam4adam recently, yes I use it like some of us do and then pretend they don’t acting all decent and stuff; we know very well that that site is still the main hookup centre apart from social media; in meeting the dude in stealth online we finally exposed our true identities after some extended communication although he wanted a more instant approach based on my profile pictures of my dick and ass; no face pictures are up as is customary for many Jamaican members. Such anonymity has other implications of trust, deception an such that I won’t get into now but suffice it to say this lead up to the actual hookup was relatively smooth. We met face to face finally after several whatsapp and A4A messaging and I liked what I saw physically; frankly I was not interested in his mind for say as his dick photo was what pulled me into him. The 36 year old was coy pretentiously at first but soon opened up and expressed that he liked me as I was not girly (the first sign of insecurity and policing of attitudes or even aesthetics) I am very comfortable in my own skin and it took years to get there so I get very careful in navigating hook-ups or socializing with men who express such scrutiny.
We met eventually and finally decided to do the deed by the usual you show me yours I show you mine lead in then the exploration; bearing in mind I have not used A4A for a while but met my hook-ups at parties I DJ at or repeat sessions with trusted buddies and cruising catches. As this is not my Xrated blog I won’t get into too much sexual detail but use your imagination as if you were with a man in a sexual encounter. The shocker however to me was he did not want to go all the way but wanted me to play a full passive or receptive role (as a woman) bearing in mind I am fully versatile; although he described himself as gay (not sure he understand sexuality) he refused to reciprocate in certain respects as he saw it effectively a feminizing is too much for him and he was not willing to budge any in terms of exploring the options and feelings. His defence afterwards was he was only ‘passing through’ a term I have had said to me repeatedly with previous hook-ups. In supposedly ‘passing through’ he may be implying he is not ‘gay’ in the true sense of the word as homosexual as that has too much attached to it in terms of effeminacy; remembering he said I was not ‘girly’ a frightening issue for many men who have sex with men but are on the proverbial downlow or ‘passing through’ types.
So in ‘passing through’ he is not obligated to go all the way by engaging in flip flop suggestion or request. Sexual contact must therefore be limited and left to the hetero-normative sex with strict roles carefully observed in bed and everyone must stay in their place; no touching beyond the norm or exploring certain parts of the body in the fondling process. I have met men who even literally define or dictate the boundaries of where I can go or touch including the feared wandering of fingers and hands by the anus or butt cheeks; one guy told me some years ago that my hands must not pass his waist but I can do anything with the front end.
Back to this present guy, in the after conversation surprisingly he was patient to conduct as other men similar to him I have met just hit it and quit it afterwards with no extended talk as the ‘man a man’ (I am a man) mantra takes precedence and real men do not talk too much like women. He said he always had feelings for men but kept it real quiet and had a girlfriend up until some time ago while stoutly declaring that she was not aware but I have no way of proving that. Cautious approaches to sex with defined or prescribed activities/demands and navigating socialization is a clear sign to me of the bi-curious types; but I have mastered the art of working my way around them. He declared that we cannot meet too often (the ‘pass through’ business again!) and that he doesn’t really see himself as ‘gay’ in other words by virtue of having limited sexual contact with the same sex in his eyes he is not gay; by virtue of having a woman or being attracted to women he is not gay as well (there is something called bisexuality); by virtue of playing a traditional hetero-masculine sexual role albeit with another man he is a man’s man and so being ‘gay’ is some journey to feminization and a weakening of his manhood. These are real fears that have had an impact on how men who have sex men interact and even fall out with disastrous consequences at times often seen as crimes of passion when they go public. Luckily I got one of the docile ones (whew!) but who knows? A friend of mine had an experience some years back where he had to literally run away from a hotel he had just had a not session with as the guy literally changed guilt blaming my bro that he made him do something he was not into really but he had a hard-on none the less and was clearly interested in what was going on but did nothing to stop it in the heat of the moment.
I would love a study or an expert to help me grapple with how men who have sex with men just can change their stance or personas literally especially after sex. Masking or self denial even in the face of just having sex with another man is baffling to me. I had jokingly come up with a name some years ago in an old blog post referencing a similar change of persona matter; I had named it P.E.A.D post erotic arousal disorder;
I expressed that we should keep in touch and he agreed after a short ponder; he sounds willing to engage outside of the hook-up imperative but definitely not a relationship. Others would just meet skeet and leet lol after the wipe up in the comings and goings of the hook-up.
Peace & tolerance