Oh tops & bottoms and rigid role play again.

So after being forced to intervene in a community matter involving brethrens who were in a tiff literally about role play in their now short lived liaison I am left wondering why the obsession with roles? Why can’t we just over time unlearn some of these deeply entrenched hetero-normative role play both sexually and socially driven through education and society where such roles are defined for males and females. There seems to be a usual souring of lovers (if you will) or partners just due to simple things (or appearing such) as who should be the receptive partner or dominant partner and by virtue of that nearly every other aspect of the relationship or liaison is defined by that; down to the very household chores are designated as done in hetero common law or married couples and the established social constructs.

In a previous podcast I had asked some of the very questions above and wondered aloud why or it is no wonder why we have so many challenges in navigating sex, love, identity and insecurities as the case may be. The ‘community matter’ involved a police officer and his partner who share a house in a relatively comfortable area; both men are gainfully employed and are doing relatively OK given the other issues around; things have been going south for a while now ever so slowly but both men never realised it until it was at the end and the ventilating of the issues revealed much. The proverbial ‘spirit tek’ (spirit comforting) was the glue that held the thing together and only for the breaking of that it was inevitable that they would not be compatible after all; the sex was a mere connector to keep them together in what turned out to be a farce mimicking a hetero-relational ‘love’ dream. The officer (the more man) felt he is or was the cock of the walk and worse yet reinforced by that also deeply entrenched ‘squaddie’ mentality in the police force where bravado is license for dominance in all things including the romantic department. Police largely tend to have that attitude of dominance even while being off the job.

The goodly officer refuses to do any chores around the home that denotes a feminine defined one such as the plates or the laundry and literally expects his meals to either ready upon arrival or shared after such where he plops on the couch and watches cable and is expected to be unimpeded while doing so. I was surprised that this deeply defined role play even in the face of heightened gay lifestyle visibility and a younger generation with different value systems would reflect some differences but it turns out the more things change it seems, the more they stay the same. Things got physical at one point with the refusal of the other party to condescend to the ever growing demands of him by the cocky cop and so much so that a trial separation (at my request) was entered into for a short while but soon ended as the expenses on each other’s part did not make it practical. But it was clear upon their return that it could not be business as usual.

The other party was content with being the domesticated member of the union but was not willing to be bossed around or forced to carry out such duties at the expense of his “lazy” cocky cop; the cop also thought of himself as the proverbial exclusive top and that no man was going to plug him or penetrate him anally. Of course the fear and insecurity that comes with such declarations are clear, the conflation with dominance (or perceived such) as expressed in the power of the penis and its forceful use defines who is the man in the relationship therefore defines everything else around him. The misogynistic driven thinking in same gender unions is still bothersome to me as it does do damage rather quickly in some unions, worse yet when there was no love in the first place but more an escape from homo-negativity by cohabiting with another gay man to reach for some goal or fantasy.

Some years ago an attempt was made to try to begin to address relational matters and my own experience with a couple short lived liaisons has taught me a lot but it is not going to be easy to adjust for some younger men especially who are either bi-curious, homo-curious or gay for that matter and who enter into mid to long term unions; while entering such come with preconceived notions and baggage from opposite sexed unions as well and their complexities. The other influences are even more disturbing as things normally hidden or unheard of are just out there on social media especially some the madness now obtaining on Instagram in recent months; the usual narcissicism, clear displays of insecurities with one gay man sighting possible suicide as he feels unwanted and trapped. Thankfully the necessary interventions were sought on his behalf and engaged to timely intervene in that matter. Another now removed Instagram post of a ‘butch’ lesbian and another woman, not sure if she was her ‘lover’ in the true sense that was up in March was even more disturbing as the related role play, suggested intimate partner violence and dominance as expressed in a masculine sense was painful to watch; it denotes the ways in which deeply entrenched societal norms can have a direct impact in LGBT circles.

I suggest we unlearn and encourage our brethren to begin to unlearn the rigid entrenched socialization based on hetero-patriarchy and misogyny and begin to properly define our own way; diversity in MSM culture is already there and maybe some highlighting of same as maybe other brothers are not aware of such.

Peace & tolerance

H