He wants to go back there. Is he gay? (Observer)

By DONNA HUSSEY-WHYTE

All Woman writer

WHILE oral sex is becoming less and less of a taboo practice, anal sex is fast catching on. In fact, a number of women have confessed that their partners are asking that they indulge in the act secretly.

While some women are agreeing to anal sex, others are not only uncomfortable with the act, but feel that their relationship is on the rocks as they wonder if their men either have the tendency to be gay or are bisexuals.

Ann-Marie told All Woman of her personal experience after six years of marriage in which she suspected that her husband was bisexual. This, after he started forcing her into anal sex, even when she refused.

"Every time he wanted to have sex, it would be around there. He didn't seem to get any pleasure out of vaginal sex anymore and even if I told him I didn't want to because it was painful, it never seemed to matter," Ann-Marie said. In fact, to help her cope with the pain, she said her husband would use vaseline to lubricate the area

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"I started really hating sex and hating him because of it," she said. "He seemed obsessed with anal sex. I saw him with some DVDs and all of them — about eight — all had pictures of naked women with their rears being the main focus. It was an obsession for him."

But to compound the situation, Ann-Marie said her husband refused to take her out alone, and when they did go out, there was always a third party tagging along — a male.

"If we decided to go somewhere, he would stop somewhere and pick up a guy in the community or call someone and tell them he was going X place and ask if he wanted to come. These were normally very young boys and so I could not help but wonder if he was gay."

Numerous conversations with her husband she said, resulted in just as many denials. Three years ago, they separated. To date Ann-Marie said she is convinced her husband is gay. Especially, she said, after discovering over a year ago that he was sharing home with another man in Stony Hill.
"The boundaries between vagina and anus are collapsing fast," sex therapist Sidney McGill said. "I think performing anal sex has to do with moving out of the conventional way of having sex. Couples try to do something different," he said.

However, this is not always the case.

"There are men who have been with men who are not gay," McGill explained. "The thing is not as clear cut as it might sound, because the definition of homosexuality has to do with persistent homosexual ideation. So if the person is not having persistent thought for, or persistent feelings for, or a desire for men, then he is not homosexual."

He explained, too, that there were heterosexual men who have blurred the boundaries between male and female.
"They are heterosexuals, they are having sex with women but they like to try something different every now and then and they have their buddies that they will have sex with. So it's not a bindary thing anymore where it's either you are gay or you are not."

Thirty four year old communications consultant Harold W confessed that anal sex was like breathing to him before he got married nine years ago, yet never once had he thought about being with a man.

"I don't agree that if you have anal sex with a woman you are gay or have homosexual tendencies," he said. "I used to have anal sex with women and I would never go with a man. It's just like kissing. I would kiss my wife but I would never kiss a man. It's the same way I would have anal sex with her but would never touch a man. That's the reality of the situation. It's just a part of my being freaky."

Dr McGill agreed that for some men, anal sex is just another pleasurable act that in no way means the men are gay.
"I don't know if I would want to use the word 'freaky' though. I would say it's trying something new — trying something different," he said. "I know of men who enjoy having anal sex with their wives who are no way gay at all! And I am talking about professionals — medical doctors, lawyers, and people like those," he said.

However, he said there is no surefire way to tell if the man having anal sex with his female partner is among those who sees a thin line between having sex with a man and having sex with a woman.
"There are some men who don't make such a sharp distinction when it comes to who they have sex with. And if they have very good buddies they can masturbate together and they don't see anything wrong with that. And then there are others who would love to try anal sex with their female partners, [but are afraid to because of the stigma]," he said.

"He is afraid he might start questioning his own sexual orientation," McGill said. "This will be even more devastating for him if he does it and likes it."

All in good fun
In many cases, McGill said, couples desire to experiment with new things that they have never tried before like oral sex. If they enjoy this they may move on to bondage sex, dress up sex, drinking alcohol, etc, creative things that might get them both excited.

"He might not even think that he is going to have anal sex with her tonight," Dr McGill said. "They might just be having sex and having such a good time that he starts to go there and she probably will allow him."
Dr McGill says it is as a result of the varied reasons why men will perform anal sex why the label 'bisexual' should be dropped.

"I think we should stop using that word about being bisexual — it's a political word — and I don't think it captures gay, heterosexual or bisexual, because not everyone fits into any of these neat boxes," he said.