So the business of hetero-normative sexual role playing has crept into gay life once again by way of a matter close to home. The old beliefs of a hyper-masculine man is a real or more man than the rest of us with a penis has come to define the power struggles and differentials out there sometimes with awful outcomes of violence, indeed psychological torture or stress. Indeed I like many others am guilty of raising ‘Tops’ to the realms of objectification and or worship as they break the stereotypical gay mould of us being effeminate or striving for some sort of womanhood, so a thug type, trade or gangsta is a highly valued prize in the scheme of things and is often used as a trophy to show off to others in a kind of “I got a man” braggadoshiousness when sometimes some of these archetypes also want what we want; penetration that is, as they too feel they have an obligation to fulfil by way of the consummate stud and images of virility must be maintained or he may become the laughing stock on the circuit or reduced to a “bottom” suggesting he has lost his manhood or bravado sexually speaking.
Such masculine types are not expected by the rest of society on a homophobic tinged belief system to be gay; some feeling of being on the down-low is there and sometimes tolerated in some certain circles such as gangland or prison sex culture which some baby-mothers quietly accept. They look the other way especially if the man is a dominant type and maybe violent as well. Effeminacy must NOT be found anywhere a real man and is vehemently opposed when exposed.
I recently had an interaction with a young man who did not know his boyfriend was straying all along although it was known by those parties who engage him, but blind to the fact his man was out and about getting it down with others as he was not getting it at home or was not prepared to ask for certain activities and pleasures with his main partner. The naive young man was of the delusion (I picked in our exchange) thought his man was his man and that he was all man in terms of playing a top role. Little did he know that his man wanted some dick as well but maybe decided not to ask in order to avoid the feeling of failure as a functioning top or be humiliated reputational out there in the field of the grapevine and such.
I had met the guy at an event I was the DJ at earlier this year and we started an extended conversation but I was not going down the sex road at the time although he is gorgeous, what explains how certain men from the lower economic strata just have that natural look without visiting a gym is amazing to me; chiselled torso, six pack, defined muscles, legs and biceps complete with an 11 incher was too good to resist. I too despite my widening learning of sexuality labelled him in the realm of a typical top but as the conversation went he was expressing more non regular thoughts on pleasure; then it came through that he was looking for a ‘different’ experience, that of having a good dick in his ass. So I obliged in time, our closeness had not gone unnoticed and soon word got to his lover whom he the guy did not announce to me he had. We had a few good moments and it ended at least in the sex department and we kept the friendship otherwise.
To be landed with a furious voice via a phone call that I took his man and such was the last thing I expected and it lasted for some time intermittently. In a kind of ‘tek it and cuss dem’ (take the issue that may offend and attack or embarrass one) I landed him with the doing of the deed and I admit I went off on him but then again I realised he was young or sounded so and is clearly not in touch with some of the realities. He clearly did not understand the nuances of a relationship and that role play cannot or indeed should not be defined literally by how one looks in a same gender union. I have often said that we need to unlearn the hetero-normative constructs that have come to define our sexual relationship health.
I feel some of the guys who are inadvertently trapped by definition due to looks and expected virility want to be released, there comes a point when objectification and praise complete with keeping up appearances can be burdensome which is what could explain why hyper-masculine types seek more sexual exploration and nonsexual friendships with older men such as my age over forty and keep a rigid ‘top’ ‘bottom’ arrangement with younger guys as they seem unwilling to be flexible sexually, there is more to life than being seeing as a sex object for spontaneous sex. They tend to seek deeper conversations with older men as well, given my experiences thus far with those types of guys. Sex between men in an ideal setting maybe should not be restricted to who pushes the dick but it should have flexibility as boredom can set in and persons stray outside for pleasure.
Apart from sex there is the business of just cohabiting and non sexual but meaningful interaction in the relationship be it a liaison for a time or a long term union. Even in ‘open relationships’ or gay polyandrous arrangements there has to be some depth or deep connections between parties and not just a hooker call for sex and couple bucks left on the night table when it’s over.
I guess as long as we operate nationally in the highly sexualised environment we are in coupled with the impact of social media exposing us to more experiences and actualities elsewhere the adaptation or cementing of hetero-normative trends in gay arrangement won’t die off so easily. Even in same gender loving women unions we see the phenomenon play out especially with the clash between ‘butches’ versus ‘studs’ and who is considered more authentic or who is seen as confused traversing the sexual spectrum and identity or aesthetics.
The fact of the matter is people should not get mad if they’re boyfriends stray given the scheme of things these days; after all we all have a dick and ass and have feelings, desires and expectations.
Don’t get mad if your ‘TOP’ got f*****
Peace & tolerance
Living & dating gay & bi Peter Pan types
The entitlement problem from hypermasculine MSM & negative outcomes
On white men as bottoms in interracial gay porn