Been a minute since I have done one of these rants, recent events have forced me to take a look at this issue of role playing again both at the sexual and relational level with gay and bisexual men. Some unlearning if not new thinking is needed out there in terms of definitive sexual role playing and old hardened subscriptions.
Can we just get over roles and what they have come to signify and enjoy gay sex for what it’s worth? ........... a good fuckin’ time!
I have been evolving on this issue for some time as my tastes in men changed over the years and also in my sexual practices including role play in both relationships and in bed for that matter. Gone are the days for me when I only went for a power top or bottom although I still run into men who are hardened one way or another in terms of what they like in bed; the obsessions with power bottom of agile tops or versatile tops and all the other labels we have had added to our selves and in relations.
We have tended to burrow from the often termed ‘hetero-normative’ constructs to our romantic and non romantic liaisons so one person has to be a ‘woman’ or a man’ in the relationship as it were and we have so allowed such expectations to be so cemented that it impacts on our sub culture that we have names over the years for everything from ‘heaviots’ (more masculine type guys), ‘shottas or thuggy thugs’ (same as prior) to ‘femmeboi’ (effeminate men) ‘trade’ (US version of versatile tops) and so on. So reliant some men have become on these labels that it has come to even impact relationships as evidenced in intimate partner problems and violence; boredom in the bedroom and subsequent cheating and even disastrous ends to couples after a while or at least co-dependency challenges in unions.
Hence challenges in long term unions of sorts when one wants some ass and is refused due to stringent role adherence for example and is not in an open relationship or polyandrous arrangement then one goes outside and gets some leading to all kinds of shit when discovered; added to that are health risks and the still dreaded HIV, remember that? Yeah it still exists in case some folks did not remember.
I have met men for example in my cruising rounds who literally express to me either prior to sex or partnered masturbation or during action that I cannot even touch his ass or explore any crevices lol; such overture in his eyes is interpreted as a move to advancement towards penetration and he feels himself not a woman or playing the role of a woman and such positioning can literally lead to violence as well. The ‘Bad man nuh tek fuck’ mantra or the real man in the game does not take a dick and it makes me wonder sometimes if such hardened positioning has a lot to do with self esteem or acceptance or the lack thereof with most men who think this way. Effeminate men equally are no expected to play any other role in the minds of some MSM as a passive or submissive partner so to speak, so he cannot, dare not or should not even think or develop any requests for a ‘top’ role; in other words do not ask for no ass as the masculine partner must be the one to push the stick and so it must remain.
Some of us may need to unlearn these strict roles or beliefs we have so allowed to be entrenched in us, I for one cannot deal with a man for long who is stuck in a rut on this issue on role play and is devoid of sexual exploration, apart from the excitement that is needed to keep me interested as I get bored easily adjustments are needed to keep the relationship or multiple hook-ups, why should I just be laying there or bent over doggy style to just satisfy him and his narrow sexual desire when I want some ass too? I am not expecting him to always bend over or open up every time I ask or want some. We really need to start unlearning some of these attitudes we have either adopted or reinforced in us from our hetero-family structure rearing where roles are clearly defined for men and women and that family structure.
More and more I am finding and hearing persons discussing such matters openly on social media as relational matters are more open if ever so slowly and persons settle down in unions or marriage and the boredom sets in as partners feel restricted in their arrangements with one refusing to budge. Even same gender loving women are having this issue being raised alot, it recently came up for air in one of my Facebook groups where such openness is allowed. The business of spicing up long term relationships brings the role play issue to light. I remember suggesting to a so called thug who was younger than I sometime ago to have more dick for dick sex and he refused whole heartedly. He said once in a moment is OK but he wont but when I raised it in the context of pleasure between us and not a matter of role playing defining power differentials in our union he has been more receptive to me as of late.
The fear or near effemophobia in terms of feeling the weaker one akin to receptive anal sex role playing is real and is a block to just good clean uninhibited fun between men. My thug friend and I now spend so much more time in bed exploring he likes it and is not just how we started out as my bottoming as it were and he dicking me down (although it felt good none the less lol) but now that he allows me more to mount him so to speak added with other anal playing action such as fingering, ice cubes inserting and stimulating and so one while incorporating anal hygiene routines as part of our sexual pleasure has worked. For example when I want to fleet or I want or request him to fleet we actually do it together occasionally and he was not aware of the fleet process in detail so it has helped in raising awareness on his part whilst enhancing our sexual activities. He also is not so hung up on topping me and insistence on same. He also has come down from the refusal to perform oral/penile sex on me although he rims me every now and again and I in return.
I have no doubt that privately for some men who refuse to switch roles in bed with a casual partner may bottom for a main partner or so which also goes back to my questioning self esteem issues for some MSM or truthfulness in terms of sexual health and enjoyment. Of course different men stimulate different feelings and responses as well obviously one would not play the same role or have fantasies similar to the man before or in the case of multiple partnering such as cruisers, one hook-up would not have the same interest or reciprocate with the same outcomes sexually. The man I top in one sense I would not do so with another as it depends what attracts me to him or how we started out sexually and grow henceforth.
My other more thuggy typed hook-ups are not so patient or willing to adjust their stance; I don’t know if it is the fear of loss of reputation on the network as we all know how the grapevine system works with cruisers and if it gets out there a perceived top bottomed then he may be ridiculed or blacklisted by some who may reduce him to being a ‘woman’ or words to the effect may come ‘yow him a gal, him mek man fuck him or him tek buddy’ (hey he allowed himself to be screwed) and by virtue of that he is no longer seen as a ‘man’ on the block and somehow he is seen as diminished and even perceived as a non or lesser performer sexually; so he is unworthy of sexual contact or weaker than the other fellas.
The power differentials attach themselves in a sense with role play as similar to heterosexual relations; a woman who has to do household chores and is expected to provide pampering and other services or activities and of course sex in exchange for financial security and a roof over her head and she must not fail whilst in most instances provide children as evidence of the union being productive. Match that with MSM unions where the ‘bottom’ is expected to do the chores, keep house, not have any other masculine men as friends as it may be seen as a threat to the main man (jealousy can and has led to intimate partner violence) in exchange for housing, security especially in our homo-negative environment housing security can have sexual considerations as attachments and some accede to same in order just to have a roof and some comfort. Such considerations can come with strict demands so the more powered man can make demands and if they are not met it comes under pain of relocation or loss of income or a comfortable lifestyle in a good space.
Nuff said fi now yah man, in the meantime check out some previous rantings and podcasts I had done on related matters.
Free up di ting; live and let live
Peace & tolerance
Ugh! That gay thug hustlers entitlement problem again!
Man beaten for unfulfilled promises in DL liaison